#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
These are too funny not to post 😂
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.