Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
that lip filler tho
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
What do you hear?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies