The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Lmao the reply
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?