What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
bro what is going on at twitter
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.