Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”