her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles