{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Just had my nails done!
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.