Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.