[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
You Might Also Like
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits