Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
You Might Also Like
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?