[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I’ve been drinking.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.