[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
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Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I’m literally crying
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Vet: I have good news and bad news..
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
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