Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
You Might Also Like
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Who says great literature is dead?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.