As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
You Might Also Like
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Jokes on them. I took 10.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.