Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Awwwww shit.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Guy who likes music
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.