[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
new shirt idea
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six