Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
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starting a garage orchestra
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.