“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
wtf management?!
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.