ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
sensitive skin
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!