GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.