*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
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instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”