Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
lot going on here, legally speaking.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .