If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.