One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
haha same
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”