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Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
You know…for fall…
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan