she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Confused owl: What?!
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.