Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Your honor these allegations are
Cashiers are always checking me out
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*watches the world burn*
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*