FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
SF is the wild wild west man
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…