an octopus is just a wet spider
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.