Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
You Might Also Like
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
This is my pinned tweet
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Saw online –
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.