Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime