Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
i want to work in this restaurant
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
are they though??
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom