When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
You Might Also Like
What even happened today?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”