If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Money is the root of all wealth
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
yea so i messed up lol