*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.