[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Every time.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.