My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
This is Sparta
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
That de-escalated quickly
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it