The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.