Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie