we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big