If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron