I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I have a new favorite meme page
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m sure it’s fine.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?