What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!