According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Brb my Sims are getting married
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body