My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Hard not to take this personally
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
S M O L
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”