Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
they split up moments later
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic