Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.