[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Your honor these allegations are
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.