“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
calling in to work dehydrated
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner