Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.